This month's little adventure is entitled "Feelings, WHOA, Feelings". Because whether we like it or not, we feel things as the spawn go. We probably always felt things, but who had the time to pay attention?

If you read the previous post here, I talked about how fascinated I am by this new-to-me concept of replacing my rational thought processes with a little emotion and intuition. So, this post continues where that one left off...

According to the Bible...okay, the Wiki...intuition is "the ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason". I'm already confused. The dictionary says intuition is "the act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes". Yep, still confused. You can't know without rational thought. That's just faith. Oh lord, this is turning religious.

I'm a woman. Apparently, I'm supposed to have intuition already. Hence the term women's intuition. It must be in the uterus somewhere near the GPS that's always finding shit for everybody in the house. Maybe I'm just out of practice. Supposedly, you have to exercise your intuition. Like a muscle? That screams consistency and discipline and, well, I don't score well on those tests. One seemingly silly exercise I found says to place four regular playing cards face down on a table and guess which ones are red and which ones are black. Keep track, because supposedly, the more you try, the more you'll guess correctly. We'll report back.

In the meantime, let me open to a random page in the 101 Ways to Jump-Start Your Intuition by John Holland pocket book. "Connecting with your feelings - Intuition and feelings are best friends. So many people often approach me for intuitive information and ask, "What do you think about this? or "What do you think about that?" Sometimes I say, "Well, I'm not sure what I think about it, but...this is what I'm feeling." The next time you have a decision to make, check in with your feelings first, before you proceed. Ask yourself, "How do I feel about this?" and "Why do I feel this way?" Trust yourself. Connect with your feelings and your intuition."

This seems doable. It requires a little pause for inward thought, but those are good questions to start with. Sometimes, though, I'm not even completely sure I know how I feel about things, so let's keep going.

Laura Day has some meditation audio experiences on her website. The Extras area sent me to her YouTube Channel where I found a video called A Powerful Intuitive Framework. These taught me about life mapping and documenting where I am and why I am where I am. They taught me that intuition asks for directions. The part of our brain that's able to take advantage of the unified field wants to know what we want it to find. She says to write down a positive goal for ourselves, but instead of "I want to lose weight", make the goal "I have a slim, lovely healthy body that I am happy to be in" and really feel that. I think of this as manifesting intentions. "I intend to..." or "I have..." or "I am..." sounds so deliberate and meaningful. Sounds reasonable. I can do this. :)

She has a newsletter and blog, too. While the blog posts pretty much just point to her books before providing much insight, there's a certain comfort to them. I don't know why. Just feel it. Ha. Get it? Felt something. There. I think that's quite enough for today.

January's Pit Stop Suggestions are a few links to online resources about awakening your intuition:

Creating Positive Change by Developing Intuition

5 Easy Steps with Dr. Judith Orloff

A Life Coach's Take on Developing Intuition

Psychology Today

Quiz: Are You Intuitive?

All Things Intuitive

Laura Day's Practical Intuition  and How To Rule the World From Your Couch

If you have any insight or suggestions or cool resources, please leave a comment or send an email to let me know! I'm determined to think more with my heart. I know, it's irrational.

Who's with me?

I know, I know. This is hardly a single mom's thang. We're facts and balances and schedules and bottom lines. We deal in logistics and necessities and reason. But a post-single mom? We don't have as much to hold on to in our daily routines, so we start to look around. And, whether we like it or not, inside. Thinking about things. No, really, feeling things, as in how do we feel about X? Is that a heart's pit-a-pat about Y?

In recent months, I have found myself desperately attracted to that fru-fru, self-help aisle in the bookstore. You know, the one with all the books in bright colors, with companions and extended families full of daily meditations and worksheets and journals. Books with happy, perfectly done people ready to jump off their covers to help the world with all our problems. For $15.95 US and $22.95 CA, before the 20% Frequent Readers discount. (If you're ever feeling fine about yourself, don't visit this aisle, because you'll leave with at least two books about something you didn't even know was wrong with you.)

On a recent trip, I opened to a page in the little pocket book, 101 Ways to Jump Start Your Intuition by John Holland, that said,"Intuition is received via your feelings, energy centers, and emotions".

Say what?

I don't know about you, but this gal has never been overly familiar with feelings and emotions. And, as a post-single mom, I still couldn't point you to my energy center. But the concept of intuition fascinates me. I ran into another little book called Vitamins for the Soul by Sonia Choquette that, I think, summed up why. Intuition is "Instant Relief – Listening to your heart and following your vibes will instill in you a profound sense of confidence and security. It’s a sense of relief, knowing that you don’t have to do it on your own. You only have to do your part, and the Universe will meet you halfway with support, protection, and guidance".

Boy howdy, can I use some of that. I can't discover myself all by myself. I need Universal company. And I need green and purple books and quotes and worksheets and companion meditations. I do. I can't get enough. I'm working my way through Laura Day's Practical Intuition now. How perfect is that title? I'm so practical, it's scary. Yet, I long to be intuitive. Here's an exercise. You can't get much more fun than that. Well, you can, but baby steps. Her latest book is called, "How to Rule the World from Your Couch". 'Nuff said.

I can't tell you how many times in 2011 I looked at a clock and saw 11:11 or 1:11 or 7:17 (birthday). In fact, the moment I started my car moving from the dark side of town back to the light, the car clock flashed 7:17. I'm choosing to think these were signs about new beginnings. New things, new people, new attitudes, new outlooks, a new definition of me, not as a single mom, but as just me. I'm learning how to rethink, going from account balances and to-do lists to listening to my heart, my soul, my intuition.

Still with me? You better be! Like I said, I ain't doin' this crap alone. (The Pit Stop post this month (on the 28th) will have more resources about intuition to get you started, too.)

I had picked a really good theme for January: intuition. We'll get to it, because it is so important. We single moms transition from factual, methodical, list-making machines to thinking of ourselves as unproductive and useless. We slowly begin to think from our hearts, not from our heads, and learn how to listen to this new place, this intuition. Ah, change. Is there no end? But, I need to put that aside for a minute because I've been blindsided with a PSM trifecta and feel the need to expose myself a little related to the depths of pain we PSMers can experience. This has been one helluva quarter.

In November, a friendship of 11 years ended with a long series of nasty, name-calling, and, I need to say because I never responded in kind, incoming texts. So, my ruminating began (and has yet to end). Is the quality of my friendships so low that they can end so quickly and with such meanness and no second thought? Am I that unworthy? Am I that bad at being and recognizing a true friend? I admit I didn't have a lot of experience at any kind of adult relationship while raising my son. I was so driven, so financially focused. And, after all, and I know other single moms and post-single moms understand this: I had a best friend. My Spawn. (Poor kid.)

In December, I lost a dear friend and fellow PSMer to alcoholism. 2012 was her 5th year of recovery from Stage 3 breast cancer. She had a 17-year-old daughter who was just looking into colleges and a 20-year-old son who had recently transferred to a school 90 minutes away. She was alone over the Christmas holidays, as was I, but we didn't check in with each other in time. We were supposed to go to the movies the Thursday night before Christmas, but she couldn't go because she said the kids were coming over. Patricia was the coolest gal pal I ever had. Just cool. And inspiring and positive and supportive and so fun and funny. We clicked. I knew she was fighting a battle but really thought it was something we could overcome once she got through that initial blast of aloneness. I was wrong. I value the fact that we met through the local PSM group here in Indianapolis and that I think we were a huge help to each other her last two years here. We got tattoos together in October and had such a fun time that day. She taught me so much about empathy and patience and kindness and openness and peace and acceptance. I loved her and told her so and for that I am truly grateful. And so sad.

This brings us to January. In less than two weeks, Spawn, recently college graduated (a year early if you're thinking you lost time somewhere), is road tripping to Nevada for a year-long job as a botanist for the Bureau of Land Management in Lake Tahoe. Yes, I know, the lucky bastard. LOL. I'm ecstatic for him. And proud. Yes. Yes, I am. Yes. Definitely. But it's damn near the west coast. I'm in the midwest. I'm from the south. This is no place I've ever been before, so I feel even more distant not knowing anything about what he's going to experience. What if he gets lost? What if a cowboy wants to fight him? (He's not a fast draw.) What if he runs out of Burger King coupons? What if he gets nibbled on by a bear? For the first time, I can't get to him in a day. Of course, I can by plane. Of course. But it still feels a world away.  Mostly, though, he's just gone....again. When does all this leaving stop?

I usually like to pinpoint a Stage so I can identify it, get to know it, and work through it, but I can't even pick one. Though, I know I'm not irritated or anxious, because I haven't resorted to watching Brady Bunch episodes yet. Jane Austen movies, yes, but not the Brady Bunch. I suppose that's healing and hopeful. Rehab. And talking to you helps.

This month's little adventure is entitled "Holidays Suck", and it is only for those PSMers to whom that applies. If your holidays are fun and cozy and warm and Hallmark card picture perfect, just ignore this post. This is not about you, as they say.

First, I'll tell you a little about my holidays, since I consider myself a shining example of PSM Extreme. In 2002, my 12-year-old spawn and I moved to Indianapolis. We always spent Thanksgiving together, just the two of us, but Christmas was spent in Atlanta where his father's side of the family lives. After two years, I realized that he wasn't getting the attention he deserved while I tagged along, so I stopped going. I began meeting his father for a halfway handoff in Nashville, Tennessee, and then driving solo back to Indianapolis. We did this until he was old enough to drive himself. Result: Christmas alone. (Well, one year my father did invite me to his house, but he called the week after that to tell me that his plans changed, and that they had to go visit family for the holiday, and while I realize that this is another story, I did feel the holiday need to get that dig in, didn't I? I did also receive the occasional pity invitation locally, but I always thought that was just too awkward to bear, even though I was and remain very grateful to those people.) Anyway, my son has just graduated from college and is living with his paternal grandparents in Atlanta. So, you guessed it. He is spending both holidays there now. And, frankly, I understand. I wouldn't want to drive eight hours to spend a holiday with me either, if I had houses full of family to be with, including a couple of grandmothers who kitchen like it's 1955. I'm hardly the draw I never really was.

So, when I say holidays suck, my perception could be a smidge skewed. But this is where I'm going to stop and get a little positive. I know! I hope you were holding onto something. I have to tell you that I actually love the holidays. I even like them alone. I like the music, the snow, the lights, the candles, the Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel catalogs I come close to using for decorations, and even the occasional Lifetime movie. Well, maybe not Lifetime, but Hallmark. In fact, just last night I watched a pretty good one called Trading Christmas. It was mature, fairly realistic, and just funny and unsappy enough to make me think of it in a nice light. It nudged me to even think about putting up a tree this year (although, that does feel akin to work and, besides, I could get a last-minute invitation to Paris or Tuscany (as if)). 

This may sound strange, but the first few years of solo holidaying were a relief. I guess it was because of the time off from life? Everything was so quiet at home, in the office. I would even lie to people about having plans so they'd leave me alone. But after those first couple of years, I admit it got really lonely. This was right around the time Spawn left me for college, so I was lonely a lot. Why should the holidays be any different? Ahhhh, the throes of PSM. Which brings me to more positive stuff.

I have to tell you that the best thing I ever did for myself was to create this PSM community and make connections with some of the coolest women ever. Women going through transitions. With kids still in the house. Without kids at home. With kids with two homes. Living and working and dreaming in their own unique ways. Marching to their own drummers. Growing. Discovering. Learning. Finding their ways. I didn't make time (who knew I needed to!?!) to find a "tribe" while Spawn was growing up, but had I, I'm not sure it would be the tribe I need and appreciate so much today.

While developing the PSM concept, a friend told me about www.meetup.com, and I actually created a local group there that is taking off. It has led to some wonderful connections, lunches, dinners, conversations, and even a book club. I would love it if we could organize chapters in every state in the country. If you're reading this and in another town and interested, please let me know. I think our community is so important, but I also know, first hand, how life-altering it can be to step out of ourselves, reach out, and take a chance. I am still an awkward and nervous wreck before every get-together. I'm doing it afraid, as they say, and it's hard. A fellow PSMer said, "The hardest part is that very first step." It's so true! But it's also so worth it. I get to talk to people going through similar successes and struggles. It's a deeply personal and emotional connection I craved post-single motherhood. My point is that, if I can do it, anyone can. Reach out this holiday season to just one like-minded person (me?) and see where it takes you in 2012. Despite the news, I promise, it won't be the end of the world.

November's Pit Stop Suggestion:

You may have to start something yourself. Remember that once you make the first step, the rest is easier. Here are a few suggestions:

Find or START a reading, writing, hiking, sushi-eating, scrabble-playing group at www.meetup.com

Look through the Craigslist Community Section for your town

Church groups - call to ask for a list if there's not one online already

Sign up for a class - some local places have free events, too - and sit by someone similar in age and demeanor

If anyone has any more suggestions, yell! I'm no expert...

You might also know how carefully I avoid this topic in most conversations and how tired I am of waving the checkered flag of defense. Speaking of tiresome, I love you marrieds to death, you know that, but damn. Stop ending your "Guess what Doofus did last night" story with a question about when I might start dating. I mean, really. Enough already.

Okay, thank goodness that's done, because now I have something to say that you might not know about me. One thing I have noticed as I've worked my way through PSM is that things affect me more than "normal" people (those who are more experienced at processing and expressing adult emotion and interaction through regular socialization). As a result, I can dwell for years on the seemingly tiniest of connections with people. And once in a big great while, this people I refer to is a man. And, well, I admit that it's just different.

After all these warrior years, I now see that there is something about a man's soothing word or two, his kind gesture, his pat on the back, even his teasing, or his foreign way of putting things that has more effect than all the words from all the bestest gal pals poured in a cake pan, baked all golden and sweet, topped with buttercream frosting, spoon fed, and washed down with chocolate ice cream.

So here's my man blip: (I know he will never read this, nor will any man I know, which is good. They have no business knowing how something so small can mean so much to a female of the species. It might make them not do small things at all, or it might make them only do small things. And no good can come of either.)

Disclaimer: This was not a date. Repeat. This was not a date. Bleh. But I was affected so much by it that a tiny rendition of his initial is now and forever etched on me. Don't guess, and don't tell him. First, I'll deny it, and then, I'll hunt you down.

Hello hug. Nice to meet you. How long are you here? Let's get together. Message me. How about Wednesday? Great. I'm running late. You're busy. We don't need to. No, I'd love to. Meet me in front of the bookstore. I'm here. Hello hug. Walk to dinner. Sangria and sushi. Takes the pencil. Do you like X? Good. How about Y? Cool. I like Z, do you? Yes. Done. Dessert? No. Should we have another? Yes. No, I got it. Want to walk for a while? Music. Breeze. Sunset. Moonrise. Art stores. Record stores. Street vendors. Funny hats. Talk. Pictures. Walk. Talk. Walk. Stores close. Tourists head home. Friends meet on the street. Band plays in the cafe. Dancing. Standing room only. Locals. Hippies with far-fetched stories to tell. Where's your car? Parking lot. Goodbye hug. Good words. Next day. Blessings to you. And to you. And remember...

See? Small. Huge. Spontaneous. Special. A standard. Full of life. Love. Yea, small. For some.

All this to get back to my point: I know some really fine women who dearly love men in their lives. I know some who can take them or leave them. I know some who don't have one but really want one. And I know some who have nothing to do with men, period. But I think you'd be hard pressed to find any of us immune to the sporadic man-melt. I know it's slightly windy up here on my flagstand, so, I'll be a little gentler next time I'm asked about my dating life. Maybe. I'm a PSMing work in progress.

This month's little adventure is entitled "It's Okay", because, first, I'm late (happens every so often, right?) and it's Okay. But more importantly, this little statement is so very important for PSMers. It's okay if we're mad, sad, lonely, depressed, hopeless, or even happy. The relief from that permission we give ourselves can be a lifesaver on our worst days. So, let's start a list, shall we? (We single moms are nothing if not the world's best list makers.)

1. It's okay that I'm late (and missed a mid-month blog post as well).

2. It's okay if I can't get off the couch today.

3. It's okay if I want to watch this Friends episode for the 17th time.

4. It's okay if my phone doesn't ring for days. And when it finally does, it's okay that I let it go to voicemail.

5. It's okay that this might take a while and that life might go on without me. It will still be there when I'm ready.

6. It's okay that people think I'm happy and well-adjusted.

7. It's okay to bite that cubicle neighbor's head off. It's probably been a long time coming anyway.

8. It's okay to make a mistake.

9. It's okay if you reach out and it doesn't go well.

10. It's okay to have a good cry. And then a good laugh. And then a good cry again.

Give yourself permission. Be patient and kind. It's all okay, because we say it is. And because it is. You are exactly where you should be. Now.

October's (or November 2nd's, if you insist) Pit Stop Suggestions:

Find a PSMer (we're everywhere and pretty easy to spot) and tell her it's okay.

Be Kind to Yourself for a Change

Be Kind to Yourself: Explorations into Self-Empowerment

Soulhiker: Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

Sri Chinmoy Blog: How to Be Kind to Yourself

Let me share a few things I've found or been told about just in the last month.

September can be particularly hard, because it's often the start of a new school year for our spawn. This is not news to any of us. But it was newsworthy enough for The Ladies Home Journal to post this article written by Melissa T. Shultz entitled The Long Goodbye.

Carol Band, syndicated columnist and author of A Household Word, wrote her last and most moving column about her child's "lasts".

Empty Nest Support Website - If you know me, you know how different I think PSM is from Empty Nest Syndrome, but they do have words of wisdom here worth a look-see. We are empty nesters, after all, we're just much more specialer.

Empty Nest Yahoo Group - Now I know, with any Yahoo group, you're going to run across a few yahoos, but it's worth checking out if only to realize that we are not alone in this fight.

PSM's Facebook Page - Annie, fellow PSMer, has recently posted some great book suggestions out there. If you run across any motivating quotes, please post away!! And those not so motivating calls for help, too. Remember, we're experiencing the same things - both good and bad!

It is one of my dearest wishes to spread the word about PSM and build active groups around the country for support. I went on a fun excursion with a friend last week to talk to a psychic who told me she saw travel and Powerpoint presentations in my future, so watch out, PSMers, I'z a comin' with some Powerpoint slides. Now won't that be fun!!?!? LOL!!!

And I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE your input and suggestions and help on this, so please comment below or contact me anytime.

September's Pit Stop Suggestions:

Find one way to reach out to a fellow PSMer. If you need help finding a place that you feel a connection with or if you want to just reach out to me, email me/Karen at psm@psming.com.

On the 28th day of each month (in honor of PMS and that whole menstrual cycle thing), we make a Pit-Stop to rally support for each other during a particular moment of PSM.

Submit a comment with your experience. Yours may be just the inspiration or the support or the laugh a PSM sister needs!!

This month's little adventure is entitled "Empty House", because that's what so many of us are left with as our Spawns leave for school. If it's for the first time, their freshman year, the sight of their near-empty room and the silence of the house can be unnerving. There are signs that they will be back - furniture, maybe their car - but you won't hear their key in the door each night or the perpetual slamming door as they come in and out of the house all day come Saturday.

And you suddenly have hours and hours and days and days to fill. You should call a friend. You should join a group. You should sign up for a class. You should, you should, you should. But first, you'll grieve. You may not even recognize it (mine came in an inexplicable hankerin' to watch the first season of the Brady Bunch over and over and over), but, if you can, just give into whatever your mind and heart and body want. If it's the Brady Bunch and Chunky Monkey ice cream, so be it. The world can wait for you and it will.

And, on the bright side, the next year's Fall semester break-up will be much easier. In fact, you may be surprised when you don't cry as they drive away!

Read next to the not so BE-YOU-tiful visual for suggestions to distract you while we check the lug nuts and put air in your tires for the next 28 days. And don’t forget to send in a comment if you have any suggestions for fellow PSMers!!

August's Pit Stop Suggestions:

Get a pillow and blanket and stay on the couch as much as you want to. You deserve a little downtime anyway!! I recommend watching mindless TV Shows about busy houses full of love and humor and little kids like Roseanne, Full House, Brady Bunch, Andy Griffith, Father Knows Best or Leave it to Beaver. They will make the house less quiet.

This year has been a real growth spurt for me. I've seen a more independent, less worried (you know how we worry, right?), more comfortable, more in touch, more open, and I think a little more fun me. I returned from an extended road-tripesque vacation this summer (my first solo trip to speak of) with a plan to step up my hunt for a new house. My current place is draining and the opposite of today's me, to say the least and has been for some time. Anyway, after two weeks, a little waffling, and two meltdowns later, I found it. I love it. I think it's adorable. I'll have to tell you sometime how this house was really manifested while I was on my trip. (I showed the picture to a man recently, and he quipped,"Is that a villa or a cottage?" Yea, I don't care. It's either and it's both and shut the hell up.)  

This house has two bedrooms and one bathroom. It's small, comfy, cozy, and girly, I dare say. I move in September 1st which brings me to the subject of all this PSM talk: Spawn. Remember my not basing decisions on him? Well, I didn't. And guess what? He finishes school on the 12th and moves in with me on the 16th.

I'll let you sit with that for a moment. I had to. I love him to pieces, don't you get me wrong, but I'm finding it so strange. It took me three years to get to this new vantage point of making a decision based solely on me and then here he comes.

Oh, PSM, I can't decide whether you're mean or funny. Maybe a little of both. I think we need a new Stage for sharing a bathroom with a grown post-college man. And I think I'll call it TERROR.

Any advice from fellow PSMers who have been here/done that is welcomed and appreciated!!!

*Disclaimer: He is even more stressed out about living together than I am, which is a good thing that I hope to use to my advantage. He is going to Atlanta to be with family there in September, which I think is a fantastic plan while he interviews for internships and jobs until 2012 grad school in 2012.

Submit a comment with your experience. Yours may be just the inspiration or the support or the laugh a PSM sister needs!!

This month's little adventure is entitled "Leaving Home", because so many spawn are preparing to head off to college or to start their adult lives at this time of year, and we're not starting anything (unless it's ungodly college tuition payments - those are fun). They're so busy making new plans and finishing up the old ones that they barely have time to give you a second thought (until a part of the plan needs money, that is). And all you can do is think about them. Oh, and the empty house and life you think is to come.

The counselors at school warn the seniors these days about helicopter parents. Apparently, we’re not supposed to "hover" as they make decisions. It’s a soul-searching, getting-to-know-yourself exercise, intended to be the best way for them to authentically choose what they want for their future. I'm all for that, really I am. But, apparently, they're planning, arranging, scheduling, working, meeting, and discussing it all with friends. Not us, of course - we only gave them life - just their friends. We could turn into a helicopter and slice their little heads off at any given moment, after all.

Stage 3 of PSM is so confusing!! It's all as it should be, of course. We know this. But what are we supposed to do while our kids are creating their own lives? It's hard for anyone, of course, but for single moms who are at our best being useful and productive, it's ten-fold. Our new worlds have no answers, and their worlds are chock full of them. We have been busy and a mom forever, and now? You might not have thought this possible, but you could start finding yourself on the couch watching more and more reruns and trying not to think about any of it.

And that's okay. Let it be. Cry. Grieve. Take time. And trust me, it could take a little while, but they'll come back. They will think about you. And love you. Just from a different place. And perhaps from a distance.

July's Pit Stop Suggestions:

Write it out. Go buy the prettiest journal you can find and just write it out. I did, and it really helped me to have a friend in a diary: The Time Has Come, My How the Years Have Flown

You're probably spinning, so staying in and being still is for the best. Watch shows like The Brady Bunch and pretend you're a big family with little spawn again.