28-Day Pit Stop (November)
On the 28th day of each month (in honor of PMS and that whole menstrual cycle thing), we make a Pit Stop to rally support for each other during a particular moment of PSM.
This month's little adventure is entitled "Holidays Suck", and it is only for those PSMers to whom that applies. If your holidays are fun and cozy and warm and Hallmark card picture perfect, just ignore this post. This is not about you, as they say.
First, I'll tell you a little about my holidays, since I consider myself a shining example of PSM Extreme. In 2002, my 12-year-old spawn and I moved to Indianapolis. We always spent Thanksgiving together, just the two of us, but Christmas was spent in Atlanta where his father's side of the family lives. After two years, I realized that he wasn't getting the attention he deserved while I tagged along, so I stopped going. I began meeting his father for a halfway handoff in Nashville, Tennessee, and then driving solo back to Indianapolis. We did this until he was old enough to drive himself. Result: Christmas alone. (Well, one year my father did invite me to his house, but he called the week after that to tell me that his plans changed, and that they had to go visit family for the holiday, and while I realize that this is another story, I did feel the holiday need to get that dig in, didn't I? I did also receive the occasional pity invitation locally, but I always thought that was just too awkward to bear, even though I was and remain very grateful to those people.) Anyway, my son has just graduated from college and is living with his paternal grandparents in Atlanta. So, you guessed it. He is spending both holidays there now. And, frankly, I understand. I wouldn't want to drive eight hours to spend a holiday with me either, if I had houses full of family to be with, including a couple of grandmothers who kitchen like it's 1955. I'm hardly the draw I never really was.
So, when I say holidays suck, my perception could be a smidge skewed. But this is where I'm going to stop and get a little positive. I know! I hope you were holding onto something. I have to tell you that I actually love the holidays. I even like them alone. I like the music, the snow, the lights, the candles, the Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel catalogs I come close to using for decorations, and even the occasional Lifetime movie. Well, maybe not Lifetime, but Hallmark. In fact, just last night I watched a pretty good one called Trading Christmas. It was mature, fairly realistic, and just funny and unsappy enough to make me think of it in a nice light. It nudged me to even think about putting up a tree this year (although, that does feel akin to work and, besides, I could get a last-minute invitation to Paris or Tuscany (as if)).
This may sound strange, but the first few years of solo holidaying were a relief. I guess it was because of the time off from life? Everything was so quiet at home, in the office. I would even lie to people about having plans so they'd leave me alone. But after those first couple of years, I admit it got really lonely. This was right around the time Spawn left me for college, so I was lonely a lot. Why should the holidays be any different? Ahhhh, the throes of PSM. Which brings me to more positive stuff.
I have to tell you that the best thing I ever did for myself was to create this PSM community and make connections with some of the coolest women ever. Women going through transitions. With kids still in the house. Without kids at home. With kids with two homes. Living and working and dreaming in their own unique ways. Marching to their own drummers. Growing. Discovering. Learning. Finding their ways. I didn't make time (who knew I needed to!?!) to find a "tribe" while Spawn was growing up, but had I, I'm not sure it would be the tribe I need and appreciate so much today.
While developing the PSM concept, a friend told me about www.meetup.com, and I actually created a local group there that is taking off. It has led to some wonderful connections, lunches, dinners, conversations, and even a book club. I would love it if we could organize chapters in every state in the country. If you're reading this and in another town and interested, please let me know. I think our community is so important, but I also know, first hand, how life-altering it can be to step out of ourselves, reach out, and take a chance. I am still an awkward and nervous wreck before every get-together. I'm doing it afraid, as they say, and it's hard. A fellow PSMer said, "The hardest part is that very first step." It's so true! But it's also so worth it. I get to talk to people going through similar successes and struggles. It's a deeply personal and emotional connection I craved post-single motherhood. My point is that, if I can do it, anyone can. Reach out this holiday season to just one like-minded person (me?) and see where it takes you in 2012. Despite the news, I promise, it won't be the end of the world.
November's Pit Stop Suggestion:
You may have to start something yourself. Remember that once you make the first step, the rest is easier. Here are a few suggestions:
Find or START a reading, writing, hiking, sushi-eating, scrabble-playing group at www.meetup.com
Look through the Craigslist Community Section for your town
Church groups - call to ask for a list if there's not one online already
Sign up for a class - some local places have free events, too - and sit by someone similar in age and demeanor
If anyone has any more suggestions, yell! I'm no expert...
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