One PSM Stage Forward, Two Stages Back

Well, it has arrived. I officially serve no purpose. Not even as the ATM I've been for the last couple of years. No more college to pay for. No more monthly bills (except for a small straggler or two). I can best explain my level of relevance by sharing the following exchange with Spawn. (My 21-year-old son recently moved to Lake Tahoe for a year-long project and had to shop for the basics to equip his new apartment. I have to tell you that just the other day I was driving along the highway, looking around, and spotted a Red Roof Inn that I would think of as being in the middle of nowhere if I didn't know what was just beyond the exit ramps and thought about how this kid road-tripped across the country alone with a GPS and no hotel reservations. He was stressed the week before he left, and I could tell he was nervous when he got to town before he found his apartment. But he did it. He saw the Grand Canyon, Santa Fe, FLagstaff, Las Vegas on a Saturday night, Death Valley, Hoover Dam, and some others I know I'm forgetting. (I was texted all of two pictures along the way.) He did it a lot excited but a little afraid. What a lesson he taught me. At 21, I couldn't have written a check. So as much as I diss on the Spawn - and will continue to do so because it's a lot of how we express love - I couldn't be more happy about him. My life's joy, I tell ya, my life's joy. But you probably knew that.)

Anyway, back to the exchange. Boyz. Ugh.

“I bought all kinds of stuff for the bathroom. Shower curtain....”

“Ooo, what color?”

“Shower curtain color.”

“Seriously?”

“I think it’s a tan color.”

“K, what else?”

“A trash can.”

“Ooo, what color?”

“Trash can color.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s white.”

“K, what else?”

“A bath mat.”

“Ooo, what color?”

“I don’t really remember.”

“Does it match the shower curtain? Complement it?”

“Uhhh.”

“How could you not remember what color it is? You just bought it 4 hours ago.”

“Uhhh.”

So the PSM stages, once again, keep repeating themselves. I was sure we'd get to go straight through them and be done. And satisfied. What was I thinking?

New car, caviar, four star daydream

Money. It's a gas. So they say. Just when I started thinking about how expensive my kid was when he was little, he turned into a teenager. And before I had a chance to adjust, then came college. I don't think I'll ever recoup these recent losses. Spawn's gravitating toward Botany of all things, and while I'm very happy that he's found his groove, Botany isn't going to get me the old-age wing in his house that I thought we had agreed upon years ago.

Believe it or not, the advantage to college is that the money flying out the doors and windows is in one lump sum each month, not the teen "Hey, mom, I need $50 for shoelaces and mouth guards", "Oh yea, when do you need it?", "Uhhh, Coach said yesterday" conversations.

Luckily, for me anyway, I was beside myself with unidentified grief (I was in the Paralysis Stage but had no idea) his freshman year, so money didn't even matter much. I wasn't spending anything or going anywhere. I wasn't even going food shopping until I started to feel dizzy. And besides, it made me feel like I was still needed.

But now? I've been through Rehab and been needed enough, thank you very much. I'm good. Really. In fact, I think I'm knee-deep in Flirtation because I'm trying on new things and have, frankly, developed quite a case of the wanderlust. So these college bills are stepping on my last nerve. I'm ready for the little birdie to fly away. "You're going that way?" "Cool, I'll go this way. And, FYI, I'm taking my money with me."

As I look back, the Stages of PSM have been perfectly timed. They've been gradual and as kind to me as they could be. I talk a lot, but if I were free of this college bill right now, I might just tease my hair, put on some leg warmers and turn into 23-year-old me. Nobody wants that. So, for this next and last year, I'm thinking I'll be all dreamy about Satisfaction. Well, as I have time between all the hot flashes, bouts of insomnia, and mood swings.