A Conversation With Ms. PSM

What better way to learn about Post-Single Motherhood (PSM) than to talk to the woman who embodies every stage, every symptom. Below is an interview with Ms. PSM from earlier this year. ("Me" is actually her Diary, with whom she has constant conversations.)

Me: Thank you for taking the time to talk to us today.

Ms.PSM: Oh, please, honey, all I have is time. And since all my money goes to Spawn's (son's) college bills, I'm broke, too. Can you imagine? All this time and no money? It's a wonderful thing. So ask away.

Me: Maybe we could start with you telling us a little about yourself?

Ms.PSM: I was a single mother of one boy. He's in college now, and I'm very proud of the both of us for that. I have a non-existent family and - you know the expression a circle of support? Well my circle was so small it was a dot. And, frankly, the dot was me. So, while he was growing up, it was really just the two of us. He has a large family on his father's side, but I'm not a part of that. He's very funny and social, so he has a good number of friends. I don't know where this came from, certainly not my gene pool. Anyway, I was like most single moms - there was never any time to think about making friends. Even if you made a friend, you didn't have much time or energy to be a friend, you know?

I just thought - I said I was a single mother, but I'm still a single mother, am I not? I mean that term has defined me for so many years, but it can't be who I am anymore, can it? That's PSM in a nutshell, really. Everything's changed and you never had time to even notice, much less adjust.

What I have now is a lot of time and way too much of me, love that I can’t find a place for and years of squelched (there weren't enough hours in the day to unsquelch anything) emotion under pressure to escape (apparently at long red lights).

Me: Can you tell us a little about PSM? What is it, in general terms?

This is why I have that huge WTF wrinkle between my eyesMs.PSM: Oh, sure. It took me a while to figure out what it was myself. I felt awful when my Spawn left for college, and I didn't exactly know why. I'd been waiting for this for a while - that time when you're bursting with pride and you're so happy for his new life and you're free to think about things other than what's for dinner or when the next game is.

But I was just sad. I felt like I had PMS all the time or was depressed or starting perimenopause. Yet, it was different. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like grief. But I hadn't identified it or acknowledged it. I couldn't find anything about it online, so it must not exist, right? Ha ha. So, I decided that this thing, this imbalance, this condition, this disorder – yes! Disorder - should, first, have a name. And then it should be defined so a diagnosis could be made by a professional. Or an amateur like me.  

So, I crowned myself an “Mi.D” (Mother in Distress) and documented the diagnosis of Post-Single Motherhood Disorder. PSM for short. 

Me: When did your symptoms start and when did you realize there was a name for how you were feeling?

Ms.PSM: PSM starts when your Spawn turns 15. It's crazy how, looking back, it was almost overnight. But, it takes a lot longer than that to realize you're in the midst of it. I was in the Rehabilitation Stage when I defined PSM. I think that's the most logical time, because you're beginning to analyze things and discover who you are now, post-single motherhood.

Me: How do you feel better on particularly bad days?

Ms.PSM: I recommend checking out this Website to determine which Stage you’re in and reading the recommended therapies. But, no matter the Stage, the first thing I do on a bad day is shoot on over to You Tube and watch a few vintage videos of Tom Jones. I defy anyone to watch She’s a Lady and not smile and at least twitch one toe. There are a few links to other lil' pick-me-ups here on the site, too.

But, frankly, when nothing helps, I recommend just keeping it all inside. Nobody will know what to say to comfort you, unless of course, you’re lucky enough to be around other post-single mothers who might understand. It might help to open up to non-PSM friends and release it into the Universe, but then you’ve got all that personal information out there and you’re all vulnerable on top of feeling like shit. And know that keeping it all inside does not preclude bouts of talking to oneself. Ms.PSM has had many out-loud conversations with herself. Not a thing wrong with that. It's helpful in identifying where you are with PSM.

I also take what I call my Herbal Happy Pills, which are natural over-the-counter vitamins of sorts. Lots of Vitamin B. I don't recommend anything medical for anyone, but Vitamin B, C, D, and E have always been helpful in alleviating both my homicidal and what the kids call cutting tendencies.

Me: How can post-single moms find people to talk to?

Ms.PSM: In the throes of it, I can’t recommend Facebook more. We have created Meetup groups and chapters in a few cities that are just informal get-togethers at Paneras and Starbucks. I’ve attended in-person meetups with just one other person. And that’s all I needed. Just connecting with fellow PSMers in any way - online or in-person - is such a comfort. And anyone can always message me. Support goes both ways!

Me: I want to thank you for being so generous today. May people talk to you directly?

Ms.PSM: Good Lord, yes. Please do!! I have a lot of time on my hands and would welcome all conversation.

Me: Thank you, Ms.PSM.

Ms.PSM: No, thank you! It's been swell. Do you really have to go?

Me: Yes, but I'll be back. Whenever you want.

Ms.PSM: Unlike my evil Spawn who never visits.

Me: Yes, well, perhaps, your very own Relief page.....